Growing Up
by Pass the Ice Cream
Summary: Ponyboy is caught masturbating... Which means Darry and Sodapop are forced to give him the talk- who else is there to do it?
1. Oh God, No

**Rated M for masturbation, awkward conversations and humor. **

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"Ponyboy Curtis!" I called out, thoroughly annoyed- this has to be the 10th time I've called out to him to hurry up. "If you don't hurry the heck up you're going to be late for school, you hear?" Still, silence followed so I began to walk tiredly to his room. "What the hell could you be possibly be doing in here?"

"Darry, don't come i-" I opened the door and the first thing I see is Ponyboy's hand on his dick, pumping it. As he saw me standing there with my mouth agape his cheeks burned red in pure embarrassment. He quickly bent down in sheer horror, grabbing his PJ bottoms to cover himself.

"Oh- sorry" I said awkwardly, snapping out of it. "I'll just come back latter..."

"Hey Darry, do you know where my DX shirt is... hey- uh- what's wrong?"

"It's in your closest, I ironed it last night. Knock before you go in" He gave me an expression that said 'what the hell for'.

"Just do it, little buddy" but he didn't have to, Pony came sprinting out into the lounge room, only to swoop down, grab his bag and fly out the door like the devil himself was after him, I could see fat drops of tears leaking from his eyes.

"Darry, you promised me that you two weren't 'gonna fight no more!"

"Sodapop, he is fine."

"That sure does explain why he is crying!"

"Look listen here Sodapop, _he is fine_. We weren't fight'n just go to work."

"Why do you always have to yell at him for every little thing he does?" Soda had this sad, lost look on his face he shook his head.

"Soda we didn't fight. That ain't why he was crying, he just..." I struggled to find a word. "Growing up, is all"

"Whatever Darry; I have to go to work" he walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

With a sigh I shook my head, plans of what I was 'gonna have to talk about with Pony running through my mind. I knew this day would come. I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

Bending down I picked my gear and left the house.

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The day dragged on and soon enough I was on my way home, tired and worn out. By the time I was home, I could hear the familiar noise of a full house, yells, fights and the sound of a stream of profanities cascading throughout the house.

Ponyboy was sat on the porch swing, a book in his hand; I could see him getting lost in it by the sparkle in his eyes.

"Hey Pony, you and I need to chat about what happened this morning" I whispered, grabbing onto his shoulder gently, as small screams escaped his lips I could tell I had scared him something awful.

"I don't wanna talk 'bout it Darry, not with you" With a frown I sat down beside him. "Just leave me alone!" Soda decided it was a great time to come out here; he turned an angry glare toward me.

"Why can't y'all stop fight'n like you promised? I can't handle it!" he pushed past us both, walking in an angry stance.

"Sodapop, wait!" Pony called, running after him.


	2. Awkward Conversations PT 1

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_This chapter is in the point of view of** Ponyboy.**_

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"We weren't fighting Soda, I- Darr-" I paused, looking down as he and I continued walking.

"You sure could'a fooled me" he whispered.

"Soda" I mumbled, stopping him from walking further as I lifted up my pinkie. "I promise" I gained a smile from him as he hooked our pinkies together.

We took our time walking home together, besides I wasn't exactly in a hurry to go home anyway.

"Why were 'ya crying this morning. Did Darry say something"

"No" I said simply. "He didn't say 'nothin" I didn't want him to know and he didn't push me for an answer, he just shrugged his shoulders and gave me a small smile.

"Ya know Pone" he said as our house came into view. "If you need to talk I'm always here, you know that" he looked thoughtful for a moment. "Even Darry is here for you, even though you may not think so. He has been through a lot. He isn't the same Darry he used to be before momma and dad died. He had to grow up so fast so he could keep us all together." By now, we were in front of our house, you could hear the sound of a fight breaking out and glass shattering.

"Two-bit, Steve, stop goofin off an clean up that mess before someone steps in that" even right now I wasn't so sure if I was ready to go inside and face Darry.

"I'm 'gonna go to bed" I said pushing the door open, hoping to god that Darry wouldn't hear or see me.

"Ponyboy Curtis!" Two-bit called picking me up, of course gaining Darry's attention.

"Put me down Two-bit" I growled, trying my damn hardest to wiggle out of his iron like grasp. But to no avail. "Put me down, you dick head" Finally, he did, he stared at me too, along with Darry, Steve, Sodapop and Johnny; I wasn't exactly notorious for swearing like that. I left the lounge room and slammed my door shut.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis, don't you dare cuss, especially not like that" Darry hollered opening with so much force that it slammed into the wall. "Ever again"

"Don't tell me what to do! You're not dad, now get out!" he stood there which angered me even more. "Just get out right now! I don't want you in here!"

"I might now be dad, you little shit. But I'm the closest thing you have to one right now. And don't you dare even think to speak to me like that, do you understand me?" he got up and shut the door, the house in an awkward silence.b "Listen Ponyboy. You may not want to talk, but I want you to listen, okay?"

"Yes" I nodded, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed, my fingers playing with a loose string on my shirt.

"I'm sorry for walking in on you this morning, yeah, I should've knocked." My eyebrows furrowed together confusedly. (Awhile back I heard it was wrong, it was a sin and if you did it, you'd go to hell)

"I... I- um... have these strange dreams that make my-" My face flushed as I tried to look anywhere but at him.

"Your penis gets-"

"Yeah" I quickly finished before he could finish the rest of the sentence.

"And your underwear get sticky?"

"Yes, I'm... I'm so confused... why does-"

"It's called a wet dream, little buddy, that sticky stuff is called semen. When you have a certain type of dream your penis gets hard and semen starts coming out. But it's not always just dreams. It could be seeing a pretty girl walking by, or thinking about something or someone. It's natural, Pony"

"So it's not wrong to do it"

"No it's apart of growing up. I went through it, even Sodapop did-" the door opened and in came Sodapop, shutting the door behind him.

"What'd Sodapop go through now?"


	3. Awkward Conversations PT 2

_**This chapter has got M rated themes such as masturbation, if you're not comfortable reading it, please skip over it. **_

_****__Please review!_

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"Puber-" Darry looked at me for a moment. "The awkward stage"

"Oh" Then realisation dawned on his face. "Ooh"

"What's the awkward stage" I questioned, my eyebrows pulling together.

"The awkward stage is where everything changes; your voice, your..._ hair_... things start getting bigger, especially your dick-"

"Soda!" Darry exclaimed.

"Anyway, your voice starts to go deeper, you start having great dreams about girls that makes your hor-"

"I think I can take it from here Pepsi" Darry frowned, looking at my red face. "Pony, you're growing up it's okay. When you masturbate-"

"What's masturbate" I wondered

"Masturbating is what you were doing to yourself this morning"

"Darry caught you wacking off!" Soda laughed, throwing himself back on me, his smile from ear to ear.

"Darry!" I yelled out, kicking him with the ball of my foot.

"It's alright Pony!" Soda exclaimed hurriedly, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "He caught me to, in the shower. Oh and I caught him"

"You did it too?" I asked, looking up at Darry with wide eyes.

"Yeah, he did; to a Marilyn Munroe picture in his room when he was 15."

"Enough Sodapop" Darry warned, he gave soda a stern look.

"Look Pone... don't go rushing into any kind of relationship because its considered cool or the in thing. It's not, and you should save it for someone you truly care about"

"Save what?"

"Your virginity... you know" There was an awkward silence for a moment. "Just how much did mum and dad get into about sex?"

"Nothin' really, Two-bit told me some stuff about 'Blondes having big tits'-"

"I'm gonna fucking kill that kid" Darry growled out. Don't listen to anything that idiot says, do you hear?"

"Yeah"

"Good"

"Hey pony, who were you thinking of when you were y'know..." Soda wiggled his eyebrows at me, poking me in the ribs.

"That's none of your business"

"Was it Cherry Valance, I know you had a crush on the redhead"

"It wasn't her!"

"Oh yeah, who then?"

"Darry, tell him to leave me alone!"

"Oh come on, don't be so sensitive. I was just wonderin"

"Well stop, cuz I ain't telling ya"

* * *

Biting my lip as my hand drifted to my hard penis, grasping it in my palm as I stroked myself, groaning in pleasure as I remembered my previous dreamed that I starred in only 7 minutes ago. My finger traced the head of my weeping dick.

"Mmm..." I moaned out, unable to help myself; the blankets were at my ankles, my undies to my thighs as my hand continued to bob up and down.

"Oh god..." I felt a strange urge to do something...

"Hey Pony, have you seen my-" it was soda who barged in... but I guess you cant really blame him- it is his room too, he was accompanied by Steve, great, just great.

"Holy shit!" Steve said, his eyebrows rising up "Didn't think the kid had it in him- in fact I thought the little shit was gay!"

I quickly pulled the sheet up. "Go fuck yourself Steve!" I shouted. "I'm so sick of you being an asshole to me all the time! Why do you hate me so much, Steve, huh?" Silence followed as Sodapop looked sadly between me and his friend. "Just get out!" I was embarrassed enough but he just had to do that and add fuel to the fire.

"Don't talk to me like that! I'll hit you, I swear to god I will, you little sh-"

"Steve" Sodapop said in anger. Soda was never angry at Steve.

"Just get-!" I stopped as my voice went up a few octaves higher than normal.

"Steve, let's go" Soda said, pushing him out the door and closing it behind him.


	4. Midnight Walk

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"Just get out!" I stopped as my voice went up a few octaves higher than normal.

"Steve, let's go" Soda said, pushing him out the door and closing it behind him.

"Why do you always have to be so mean to him?"

"I hate the tag'n along, being a third wheel. It's hardly ever you and me anymore!"

"He's not a third wheel, he is my brother Steve"

"And I'm your best friend!" I was so sick of them fight'n. I bent down to grab my pants and my shirt. Once they were on I opened the window, sprinting out of there, the window 'slammin on down to the window pane, creating a loud bang.

I didn't know where I was going, quite frankly I didn't care, I just had to get away.

After about 10 minutes I needed to catch my breath.

"Hey greaser" I turned around and I suddenly wished I never ran off.

"You better get 'outta here, you are out of your territory!"

"Hey, look aroung greaser" turns out I was out of _my _territory.

"Oh crap" I mumbled, bracing myself for the 'hidin I was sure to get.

(Line)

It musta been some times past 1 that I managed to start the long walk home. My sides were smarting something bad, my nose only just stopped bleeding a short time ago.

When my house came into view I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Ponyboy?" Johnny said from behind me. "Where 'ya been? Darry and the gang have been looking for you all over." When I turned around he gasped at the sight of me. "Oh god Pony" I could feel the tears surface my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

"It's 'gonna be okay Pone, you are going to be okay." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Let's take you home" he helped me back, I could hear the gang talking before I even opened the gate.

"It's almost three in the morning, where in the hell could that kid be. He knows better than to just run off like that." Darry growled out.

When Johnny opened the door the whole gang turned around to face us, my head was facing the ground, trying to shield my face.

"Where in God's name have you been kid?" Darry snarled out, storming up to me, only to stop when I lifted my head up to look at him

"They jumped him, Darry" Johnny managed to whisper. "They jumped him"

"Oh baby, I'm sorry" Soda whispered. "I'm so sorry" His arms wound around me, hugging me into his chest- and that was it, the tears came flooding out.

"What were you doing walking out there by your lonesome anyhow?" Darry asked once he knew I was alright. "You know better than to do that!"

"Darry, it was my fault." Steve said, looking at the ground. "I should have kept my mouth shut"

"Here Pony, let's get you cleaned up, alright?" Soda said, grasping my hand into his.

I nodded, feebly agreeing.

"They sure did a number on you, honey" Soda said, grimacing. "Who did it?" I shook my head, I didn't want to answer- I didn't want to be a snitch. "Pone you tell me who did this to you, right now!"

"It was Alan and his friend. He called me a poor, worthless greaser and that's all I'm always going to be it"

"You listen here Pony. People are ALWAYS going to say mean stuff like this, people are always going to treat us greasers like we're nobody. You got to prove to them that you are worth it. You are."

"Am I really?"

"You're going to go places, you're going to leave us all behind"

"I couldn't leave you behind, Soda. I'd miss you too much"

"Come here honey" he grinned, his arms embracing me in a hug. "I love you with all my heart. I know I haven't said that much since mama and dad died. But I do, and I really hope that you know it. I don't know what I'd do if something _bad _were to happen to you. I think I'd die, I really do think I would. Just promise me something, would you Pone?"

"Okay"

"Don't get tough. Stay the way you are now. Because when you get tough you end up getting emotionless, you stop caring. I don't want you to be like that. I want you to stay innocent. You savvy?"

"Yeah, I savvy"

"Goo-" he was cut off by Dally, opening the door.

"How's the kid?"

"He is going to be fine Dal, just fine"


	5. Midnight Talks

**Sorry it took me so long, please review!**

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A small squeak escaped managed to escape my lips as I turned around, facing Steve. "What the hell do you want?" I muttered, glaring at him as I regained composure.

"Look kid- I'm real sorry, alright?" I frowned, he is sorry, that's it? I wanted to know why... why he hated me so much.

"Why do you hate me Steve? What'd I do to make you hate me?"

"Shit kid... I don't hate ya none, alright? It's just sometimes you really piss me off for no reason at all, and it's my fault. I just hate that ya tag along so much- you're annoying..." he saw my expression and grinned. "But Ponyboy, I kind of think of you as an annoying brother, right? I don't hate ya" I smiled slightly

"Thanks, I guess" He nodded, then a smug smile started rising as he bit his lip as if to stop his laughter.

"Did- wait, who were you wacking of to?" he cracked up like it was the funniest thing.

"Shut up Steve, it's none of your business you jerk."

"So, why are you up anyhow?"

"Bad dream" He started to laugh.

"Still getting nightmares like a three year old?"

"Shut up" I grumbled, swallowing as I clearly remembered what the dram was about- it still sent shivers down my spine. I walked away from him and into Darry's- to know he was still there with us and not dead like in my dream. He was there, lying on his stomach, his face nuzzled into his pillow. For once he looked peaceful and careless. I was halfway into his room, his blankets were on the floor, so I bent down, picking them up and placing on top of him.

"Ponyboy?" He whispered, his head lifting up from his spot on the bed. "What're you doing baby?"

"I had a bad dream, I was just making sure you were alright"

"Do you want to sleep with me tonight, honey?" he had already rolled over, giving me some room right next to him.

"Yeah, thanks Darry" I laid down right next to him, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders just like Soda always did to me, my head in the crook of his neck.

"Pone, before you go to sleep. I wanna tell you something, okay little buddy?"

"Yeah?" I rolled over slightly and looked at him.

"Pone, when I yell at you, I- I don't really mean it. I'm just trying to keep you and Sodapop with me, alright? When I yell at you, it's because I care about you. When I'm mad it's because I'm scared. I just don't want to lose you or Soda like we lost mum and dad"

"I love you Darry" I whispered, not realising Soda was watching the whole time, he bounded on the bed falling on top of Darry with a grin on his face. "What the heck Sodapop?" I grumbled, moving from out of Darry's embrace so I could stare at him with a bewildered expression.

"This is just so cute that I wanted to be a part of it! Soda never gets any 'lovin no more!" He eased himself between Darry and I with a huge smile.

"Hug me brothers!" he opened his arms, and with a smile on my face I hugged him with all my might, Darry did too.

"Now both of you get some sleep! Pone you got school, Soda you have work."

"Do we 'hafta go back to our own bed?" Soda asked

"I guess you do not have to, if you don't wanna" Soda rested his head on Darry's stomach- eyes still wide open.

"Hey Darry" Soda whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Do you like me or Pone better?"

"Soda, don't ask me that. I like y'all the same"

"Darry?"

"Yeah Soda?" Darry muttered.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Nu'uh"

"Darry?"

"What now?" He was getting really agitated, even I was.

"If you were stranded on a deserted island, who in our gang would you eat first?"

"I'd eat you, then you'd finally be quiet so I could get a bit of sleep"

"Darry?"

"What!" He yelled, turning over to glower at Sodapop.

"I just wanted to tell you that I love 'ya" Soda looked dejected as he moved off of Darry and onto me, wrapping his arms around me.

"I love you too Soda, you know I do. Just do me a favour and be quiet" He tickled Soda- and he laughed. "Get some sleep"

"Alright, I love you Pony" Soda mumbled.

"I love you too Soda" And then he finally shut his eyes.


	6. The Letter

It was 6 o'clock when I awoke- I got up and started to make breakfast (first one up has to make breakfast, mind you, it's almost always Darry who starts it- me and Soda tend to sleep in.) I noticed the rain that pouring from out of the sky- and then the phone ringing. I ran for it, trying not to wake up the others.

"Hello?" I murmured softly.

"Is this the Curtis'" the owner had a firm, solid voice- professional.

"Um yeah, who this..." I trailed off awkwardly.

"It's Russell Ferguson, sorry for the early call- can you tell Daryl not to bother coming in today, on the account that it is raining, and that I have arranged a meeting for 3 this afternoon, and he needs to attend it or else. It is of the utmost importance."

"Oh, um, sure... Mr Ferguson... I will just write this down."

I tore a piece of paper from out of a notepad nearby, scrawling the information down.

_Your guy-person rung, you don't work, but you have to be at his office for a meeting at 3 this afternoon "or else", it's of the "utmost importance" that you attend it_

"Got it all down, son?"

"Yeah, sure did, sir" I heard him chuckle slightly.

"Oh kid, don't call me sir, buddy. I'm only 25. When you say sir, I look over my shoulder for my grandfather. Call me Russell."

"Okay _Russell, _I'll make sure I tell Darry about the meeti-"I saw Darry behind me, look slightly disoriented and confused as heck. "ing"

"Thanks" He hung up them. And I looked at Darry, passing him the note as I started on breakfast.

"Crap... I hope I ain't getting fired... shit" he looked at me real quick. "Don't you dare repeat that word, little buddy" Did you sleep fine, honey?" He asked, going over to the cupboard to start making the chocolate cake.

"Yeah, a lot better, I felt safer" he just grinned at me, embracing me in a one arm hug and rubbing my back gently.

"You better start getting ready for school, Pone. Don't you have a track meet?"

"Yep. Darry, can you sign this?" I wasn't really looking forward to his reaction to my F+ that I received in maths...

"Sure, honey, what is it?" I held it up in front of him. And I got to watch as his face went from content, to angry in a matter of mere seconds. "Pony, what is this?"

"An f+..."

"And why do you got it?"

"Because my teach don't like me non"

"Bull shit, Ponyboy. Have you been 'slackin off again?"

"I'm serious, she really doesn't like m-"

"Don't give me that at all! You're going to do better next test, you're going to make up for it, aren't ya?"

"She honestly doesn't like me, she is nothing but a bitch"

"Ponyboy, you are grounded for a month, you don't call girls bitch's or sluts, nothing vulgar and demeaning like that. Mark my words. You. Are. Grounded."

"Just for 1 lousy F+, that isn't fair!"

"What's going on?" A confused Soda asked, stumbling from out of Darry's room and into the kitchen, we weren't really listening to him, we just continued yelling at each other.

"My ass it's not fair. How can you fail one lousy, below average maths test? It's not that hard, you're meant to be smart!"

"I'm sorry we can't all be smart like you! I'm sorry I'm dumb!"

"Goddamn it, you promised!" Soda yelled in that unusual angered way. "Y'all promised me you wouldn't fight three times now! And here you are breaking your promise anyway!" He huffed at us in anger, turning around and walking out of the kitchen.

"Shit!" Darry yelled, kicking the kitchen island with his foot. "Soda, wait, little buddy" Soda (all though he tried not to admit it) was always sensitive, even as a baby. You yelled at him for doing something slightly wrong and he would burst into tears- even now. And things like this bothered him to no end, he didn't like seeing his brothers fight- not even his extended family.

I could hear Darry already comforting Soda. "I know we promised baby, I just got so angry and I should not have taken it out on him. I promise that I will apologise." I got out of the kitchen through the door to the hallway and went into mine and Soda's room to get ready for school. I didn't exactly want to talk to him when he said all those mean things to me. Taking off all my clothes, I searched through my closest for some clean underwear

"Hey Pone?" Darry said, waltzing into my room like he owned it (without knocking, mind you) "Oh sorry for interrupting you..."

"Don't worry about it" I muttered as I found a pair and put them on speedily. "Now, what do you want?"

"Look Pone, I'm sorry"

"Okay." He was sitting on my bed now, looking at me with a sad look on his face.

"Have you seen any of my jeans?"

"Answer me, come on buddy"

"I just don't want to talk about it" I found a pair of jeans and hurriedly put them on, I had to be there in 15 minutes. It takes 10 to walk it.

"Put a jacket on, it's going to be cold today" He reminded me so much of mom at that exact moment. "Look Pony, I know I shouldn't have yelled at you. I should've asked you about it and helped you instead, right? So I'm going to help you, every night before you go to bed for an hour. I will help you understand it better"

"Darry- you don't get enough time to yourself as it is, and you need your rest"

"Don't you worry Pony, I can manage it. Baby, do you forgive me?" I looked at him and saw his face- I think he really is sorry.

"Yeah, I forgive you." He gave me a small grin and opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped by Soda barging in, a huge grin on his baby face.

"Hey honey!" Soda grinned, walking into our room. He was holding up a letter that he has opened. He cleared his throat in mock elegance.

"Dear Mr Curtis,

I am extremely pleased to say that Ponyboy Curtis is going exceedingly well in English Course. Earning all A+'s this year. His semester theme was not only the best in his class, but the best in this whole year. I do not send out letters like this too often, in fact, I very rarely do unless I see talent, and a striving star- which I see in Ponyboy. I am not exaggerating when I say that he would make a fine piece to the writing industry. Writing books, writing screenplays, writing columns and articles; either way he is bound to greatness.

I am convinced he doesn't belong in this class- I don't even think he belongs at this high school, for a boy who should be middle school- he writes a college level. His semester theme was about a group of boys, best friends, decide to go on a trip to a forest type area- I'm not explaining it, but you should read it. I've spoken to the principle and I'm trying to get him into an advanced placement class.

Mr C. Holland."

Darry had so much pride in his eyes as he looked at me.


	7. I Can't Change

_How can I tell you or dad who I really am- as much as I would like to change this certain aspect of my life, I can't. Believe me, if I could I would have for I know how truly disturbing and frowned upon it is; I'm gay. I like guys, and I think I always have. I tried to ignore it, I tried to see girls the way I see guys; I know if you were here with me you'd think I was a sick, twisted individual... don't worry I feel the exact same way about myself. Maybe I should just run away again, into the horizon where no one would ever find me. But I can't change, I couldn't even if I tried- is it bad and disgusting that I don't want to? It's a part of me, it's who I am. I'm gay. Do you still love me? _

I read over that paragraph twice, a third time and a forth, trying to take in the words "I'm gay"... he isn't gay, is he? He- would have said something, it's a sin to be gay, it's wrong, it's foul, God made a woman and a man for a reason, to reproduce, to have children and create the next generation...

I came across the letter in question when I was packing away the clothes I had just folded into his drawer. The fairly thick letter was peeking out under his jeans, and- I couldn't help it, I read it, well up until the point of "I'm gay."

A persistent ringing brought me out of my stupor, I raced for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Is this the Curtis residence?"

"Ah yes, who is this?"

"This is Tom Griffin calling from Tulsa High School -"

"Oh Mr Griffin, is everything alright?"

"I just thought you'd like to know that Ponyboy has not shown up to any of his classes today, I was just checking in to make sure that everything was okay?" That. Little. Brat.

"Oh yes, sir, Pony wasn't feeling very well today so I gave him the day off."

"That is not the only reason I have rung today Mr Curtis... Even though Ponyboy has been tremendous in his classes, his teachers have reported that he seems quiet, not like his usual self. I would just like to recommend that he sees the school's psychologist. This isn't unusual; after all he has lost his parent's this past year- I just want you to think about it."

"I'll take it into consideration, thank you for calling me, sir." Hanging up I huffed, that boy wouldn't be sitting right for a month! I clenched my teeth, I was seething in anger, the joy from my boss giving me a permanent job went right out the window; the thing that was irking me the most was what I was angrier about, Ponyboy's sexual preference or the fact that he did skip school.

I bit my lip as I picked up the letter one more time, to read the whole thing. At this point I didn't care if I was invading his privacy.

_I miss you. _

_How can I tell you or dad who I really am- as much as I would like to change this certain aspect of my life, I can't. Believe me, if I could I would have for I know how truly disturbing and frowned upon it is; I'm gay. I like guys, and I think I always have. I tried to ignore it, I tried to see girls the way I see guys; I know if you were here with me you'd think I was a sick, twisted individual... don't worry I feel the exact same way about myself. Maybe I should just run away again, into the horizon where no one would ever find me. But I can't change, I couldn't even if I tried- is it bad and disgusting that I don't want to? It's a part of me, it's who I am. I'm gay. Do you still love me? _

_I spend every single day trying to pretend that I am okay, I spend every day fooling Darry and Soda, and maybe I should tell them how I feel, but they already have enough on their plate; Soda with work, Darry who's trying to work 2 jobs, pay for bills that keep on piling up and keeping me and the gang out of trouble (that's a full time job on its own). How can I tell them something that will severely disappoint them to no end? _

_Since the day you left us, I haven't been able to shed a tear- I had to be strong for Soda, and for Darry who had, had his whole entire life ahead of him- he had to drop it on the account of us. I know for a fact that he'd be over in SocVille making something of himself as a great footballer. I'm proud of him, and maybe I don't tell him this enough but I love him. I love him because he never gave up on us, even when he could drop me and Soda off at a boys home, he held on to us and said he'd never do that. _

_Why does god, or whoever the hell is up there keep throwing all of these hardships at him? Why does God want to see his age wearing thin to the point of disregard? What he really needs is a day to himself, a day to be young again, a day to party, to watch a movie, to read a good book, to go on a date with a girl with no worries on his mind about how he is going to get us through the next week of bills. Soda sure is a great help as well, ever since he started working full time at the DX. _

_Speaking of Soda, he is getting better- he no longer cries in his sleep because of Sandy. He seems almost normal, but, at his loneliest of moments I see the glimmer of reminiscence in his eyes as he goes back to the moments he felt truly at ease and peace with his life. I think that forced smile is actually becoming real again- and about time too, it's been almost 5 months since he found out she was pregnant and she was leaving him. _

_The gang is doing better, Johnny has healed and so has Dallas, Two-Bit is still getting into the same ol' trouble, Dally is getting in the same fights with the same people (namely Tim). Steve is still being Steve and is on and off with Evie, Johnny is still battered on the inside from what his parent's do to him (and what they don't do)._

_All in all, what I know from each of us is that we still miss you. Every single day of our life; we still feel your presence, well at least I know I do. I can still remember your voice, mama, when I'm sick and bed ridden. You're looking down at me with soft, sad and eyes filled with incredulous looks of love as you tell me that I will feel better soon, I can still remember your hugs and your words of encouragement and pride when I get A's and your warm smile when I bring home a c+ average, telling me I will do even better next time. _

_I love you. _

I had to find him. And right away.


End file.
